I’m not sure why I cant find it in myself to write to this blog more than once a month but it seems that’s all I can muster these days.  Is it the incredible amount of free time keeping me from my thoughts? Maybe, but I like to think that everything’s perfect and there’s a reason I wait till I have a little something of substance before I share my feelings.

I’ve had such a longing feeling of nostalgia lately, I’m missing everything from days past, my “young” children, my life before FM, my “old” friends, my youth. Why? I’m not really sure, is it a “midlife” thing? I don’t know. I’ve learned not to question why so much as why not. Why not long for things that have passed, it doesn’t really do any good, but somehow its soothing so I’m gonna roll with it. Am I making any sense? LOL Probably not and that’s okay too!

I’ve been adding old High School friends to my face book and I have to tell you, its bitter-sweet. The closest friend I ever had in my life thinks I’m a dumb ass,  shes the closest I’ve ever come to having a sister but we lost touch, and argued over silly shit 10 years ago, my old boyfriends are all ex-druggies, alcoholics, or just plain losers. (exactly why they’re ex’s) but whats bothering me is that 25 years changes everything and nothing at all.

Were all taller, fatter, smarter, and more opinionated, but inside were still the same kids that are insecure, silly, wanting, and brave. This is sounding more and more like a mid-life issue as i type this LOL. Seriously though, I wouldn’t want to go back to those days in the 80’s, they were sure fun, but I wasn’t equipped to deal with the things I did back then, unwanted pregnancies, binge drinking, pot smoking, etc etc. It’s a freaking miracle I made it out alive actually.

What is a relief to me though is that my kids now 21-19-17 don’t do any of that crap I did when I was a teenager, they actually have high self-esteem, and they want good things for themselves and they have goals, which is more than I had or did, so in that respect, Ive been a good parent, even though I didn’t have much good example of how to do that.

I guess that its the time that’s passed that’s bothering me, my kids are almost grown, going to college, working, driving, being young adults. Another chapter of my life is about to start soon and its a little strange to be honest. No more babies, no more school days, softball or baseball games, gymnastics, swimming, and all the things that used to occupy my life.

Also, now that I have FM/CFS and I’m not working, I have entirely too much freaking time on my hands to over think my life, worry about the future, and dwell on the past. I guess this blog entry will serve as my lesson to live in the PRESENT. We only have today, and tomorrow is not promised to any of us, so did I enjoy today? Not particularly, but I made it the best day I could, and that’s all I can ask of myself.

So the lesson of today is to live in the moment, its easier said than done, but I’m gonna give it a heck of a try, and ya know what? Life is good. 🙂