March 2010

Recently I found an old boyfriend on Myspace, he was my bf when I was 18 and 19. We chatted on Myspace chat first then exchanged phone numbers and we had a nice talk yesterday. He reminded me about who I was back then, to him and myself. It sparked many things about myself that I had forgotton, or chose to have forgotton how my now husband treated me like shit, for whatever reason doesnt really matter. He reminded me how well he had treated me, and that when I left him for my now husband how devastated he was. I never knew that he felt that way, or maybe I knew and put it out of my head. I dont really remember how it had ended but speaking to him again was nice.

The reason Im blogging about this is because its just so strange how the miniscule choices we make as teens and young adults send our lives in directions that seem right at the time but may not be. We dont have magic 8 balls to show us what will happen if we do this or that but it would be nice if we did. He brought out emotions in myself I thought were long gone and unnecessary.

My old flame is having life issues right now and hes geting ready to take a fork in the road that he hopes will be the right one, and of course I hope he’s happy in any endeavour he takes. It also reminded me how carefully I should be guiding my own teens in the beginning of their adult lives, something I’m trying very hard to do, and isnt always welcome (ha).

So what Ive gotton out of this is that although we make the best choices with the information we have at the time, life takes us where were meant to go and although the grass isnt always greener on the other side, its nice to visit the freshly mowed grass occasionally.

I’m sitting here totally appauled about the death threats, terror, and violence against Democrats that voted for Healthcare. What is wrong with these fundamentalist extremists…. the same people who are “Pro-Life”, duh, whats the deal? Why are they angry?  Because so many more people in our country will be healthier, and therefore happier? Angry because the rich in this country will finally pay their FAIR SHARE. Bad form is what comes to mind. Glen Beck. Whats his problem? Progressivism is the way of the world now. We arent living in 1837. This is 2010 and the conservatives in this country need to get with it, be pro-life for all human beings, not just babies in the womb. I just dont understand why change is so frightening to conservatives. Change is the only thing in the world you CAN count on. So I suggest all you conservatives get with the program. (on the phone with  my mom) More later!

Today is a bland and blah day. I slept in till 9 am, that was awesome. My daycare babies showed up at 9:30am, full of chatter and smiles! I watch a friends children M-F , a 2-year-old boy “Shilo”, and a 5-year-old girl “Sierra”. They are totally adorable and make me laugh, make me move, and let me remember how important living is. Somedays I just soak in their innocence and youth. I’ve never watched so much Spongebob Square Pants, Dora the Explorer, Big Big World, etc 🙂 Yesterday it was beautiful outside, we played ‘parachute pinecones’, tie a Wal-Mart bag on the bottom of a pine cone, throw it up in the air and oh what fun when the parachute opens! We had big fun 🙂 I hurt like heck later in the evening but it was worth it, totally.

I’m having a good time figuring out how WordPress Blog works, there are so many gadgets and settings and ways to personalize my blog. It’s just what I was looking for in a blog, so far.  More later!

(written lying in bed)

It seems as though the cobwebs in my mind are forming in the corners of my unused gray matter. I have Fibromyalgia, or as the new research shows it should be renamed Central Sensitization. I have all over chronic pain that has lasted over a year now, cognitive disabilities, (problem with word recall, no ability to multi-task) short term memory loss, inability to keep short lists in my head, etc. Its hell. Its especially hard for someone who has always multi-tasked, and been damn good at it! I’m a techno geek, use the latest Blackberry, reformat computers, change computer hardware, ya know, tecky fun junk like that. Now, I can’t remember passwords, I have them all saved in my password keeper on the Blackberry, if I lose the phone, I’m phucked! I just reformated my Gateway PC, and needed my teenage sons help, talk about a stick in the side. When my pain is up, my memory is down…and vice versa. This is the hardest part of my physical ailment. I’m tough, I had 4 children using the Lamaze method, without drugs, and my son weighed 9lbs 2ozs, so I dare anyone to call me a pain whimp! Turns out I’m great at enduring short term pain, not long lasting pain. Some research shows that sleep disorders may cause CS (Central Sensitization), so ive had the sleep study, YES, I have Central Sleep Apnea, I have a $4000 C-flex machine with a full face mask, and I use it faithfully. Do I notice that it helps the Fibro? Not really, but there is no cure for CS, not yet. Man oh man though, have the drug companies come out with some “FDA approved” drugs for Fibro (CS), Cymbalta: causes severe constipation, weight gain, raised pulse, excessive sweating, and unusual (not pleasant) body odor. Wooo, doesn’t that sound fun?? Oh wait but it gets better, because then there’s Lyrica: causes blurry vision, a “stoned or euphoric” feeling, headaches, weight gain, and WEIGHT GAIN! Yes, I listed weight gain twice, I’ve gained 30 pounds since I started taking it. So, as you can see the drugs are as bad, no, I think almost worse than the disease. Have they helped you may ask, yes, they have. I’m not in the fetal position begging for death like I was most of last year, I am able to get out of bed, but I still hurt. I hurt, and the cobwebs in my mind persist now so I must end this blog entry, thanks for the read, thanks a lot. Even though I hurt, and can’t pay attention very well anymore, life is good. 🙂

This is my first post to my blog, and I’m rather excited about it! I’ll be posting an entry daily either on my PC, or from my Blackberry on days I’m not up to sitting in an upright position. I’m sitting in my livingroom in South Alabama listening to CNN and hoping Healthcare Reform will benefit my family. It’s great that my children will be able to stay on our plan until age 26, it takes almost that long to get situated in a career, settled with a mate and so on, so I do like that feature. I just visited and you can check state by state how the reform will affect you. Very interesting. (BREAK)

I just ate the leftover Kraft Macaroni & Cheese my daughter made, not very healthy, but filling. Because I’m not working, things are slim here some weeks, we have food but nothing convenient and microwavable to eat. I guess that ok…It means sometimes I grab an orange instead of Doritos!

I also wanted to further mention things that make me, ME: I’m a Liberal Democrat, an Atheist, Middle Class,Wife, Mother, Sister, Daughter, Friend, Animal Lover, Dreamer, and Thinker. I am so many things that adjectives can’t express. I do hope to find the words needed to talk about all the things that excite me, interest me, disgust me and enthrall me. Of course some days…Honey Nut Cheerios may be exciting, LOL!

Life is good, Patty